Sunday, August 31, 2008

box office poison.

In 1998, Melrose Place star Courtney Thorne-Smith decided to branch out into the world of mainstream cinema and played the love interest in the movie Chairman of the Board, which was supposed to launch the career of a popular, prop-wielding comedian by the name of Carrot Top. I've never actually seen resulting movie, but I did watch the trailer and as we all know, Carrot Top is a pretty unfunny, annoying loser, so I can imagine that the movie was a pretty massive piece of crap. Anyways, after she was done making this movie, Courtney made the mistake of appearing on Late Night with Conan O'brien on the same night as comedian Norm MacDonald. Norm didn't seem to hold Carrot Top in very high esteem either, and the result is one of the fucking funniest interviews ever.

Also, in a related subject, somehow Carrot Top now looks like this:

sharing a dream so fine.

Hang time was one of the best Saturday afternoon shows of all time, and had one of the best theme songs as well. It doesn't look like too many of the other cast members have gone on to much, and I'm not feeling particularly motivated at the moment so I don't even feel like checking out the imbd, but it did help launch the career of Anthony Anderson, who was in Hustle and Flow and the Departed, amongst other Kangaroo Jack. I also find it amusing that former NBA player Reggie Theus, who played the coach in Hang Time, is now the coach of the Sacramento Kings. If they don't play the Hang Time theme every time that team takes the court in Arco Arena, they really need to fire whoever is in charge of such things.

Friday, August 29, 2008

blasphemous rumours.

I got turned onto this amazing Depeche Mode song the other day. Its funny, it says a lot about our society that in the 80's you could get away with making dark, gothic rock while looking like this:

And today, in order to get noticed doing something similar you have to look like this:

I'm not sure exactly what that says about society, but it definitely says something. And whatever it is, I'm sure its very profound and thought-provoking.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Action and Retraction: Cindy McCain not hot

So a few months ago when I was expressing my love of the now-famous "Obama fist bump," I mentioned that I found Cindy McCain fairly attractive. In fact, as embarrassed as I am about this, I think my exact words were that she is "pretty hot," and that in terms of the relative hotness of her and Michelle Obama, either one becoming America's next first lady was basically a win-win situation. I would officially like to retract that statement. I think I was fooled by the fact that I had only ever seen Cindy from a long distance or with the same sort of soft lighting that was used in old Liz Taylor perfume commercials. Also, standing next to John McCain, who I think is about 9,000 years old, pretty much anyone will look like a 22-year-old Swedish model in comparison. Anyways, I now realize that she actually looks like this:

She looks like a witch that could suck out children's souls just by looking at them in some kind of young adult fantasy novel. Sorry gang.

The reason I felt compelled to retract this statement is mostly due to the fact that, after seeing Michelle Obama's speech at the Democratic National Convention, I am pretty much totally in love with her, and have realized that there is really no comparison between the two either in hotness levels or just overall personality. I mean, just look at her, she is a total babe:

Now, you may be asking yourself, "what does comparing the relative attractiveness of the two potential first ladies actually add to the political process?" You might also be saying to yourself, "you are a fucking idiot for even writing about this." To that I respond, "nothing at all," and "you can go straight to hell." There are people much more educated and in the know than I, (and many who are less educated and much less in the know,) who are spewing out their opinions on the upcoming US election and will continue to do so with an increasingly alarming frequency in the coming months, and I feel no need to clutter up the internet by contributing anything insightful to the conversation. Besides, if I can't use my blog to make ridiculous statements like "Cindy McCain looks like a soul-sucking witch," then goddamnit, what am I even doing this for??

One last thing though, regarding the Obama fist bump. What was with that outcry afterwards of dumbass Fox news political analysts wondering if it was actually a "terrorist fist jab?" People, if that is what the fist bump has become, then the terrorists truly have won.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


I think in the perfect world, hippie utopia sense, the internet is a tool that brings all of humanity together, smashes down borders and bridges the vast differences between all races and genders, unifying us all as we head towards a more enlightened and peaceful future. Of course, everyone knows that that is total bullshit and that in reality, the internet is basically a cesspool where people can view all kinds of bizarre porn guilt-free, and argue about whether the Starship Enterprise could successfully defeat the Death Star. It is also used to spread insanely weird videos that make no sense whatsoever but are still strangely compelling to millions of people. Like this video, which is quite possible the weirdest thing I have ever seen.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

flipper hands.

For those of you who have never heard of it, Top of the Pops was a popular British music television program that ran for several decades before being canceled a few years ago. It is generally renowned for having popular bands of the time come on and "perform" their hit songs by lip syncing and pretending to play along to pre-recorded backing tracks. Well for a brief time in the 90's they allowed the artists to actually sing while the backing trracks played, and it was around this time that they made the mistake of inviting Nirvana, who at the time were just about the biggest band in the world, onto the show. While this might have been a pretty ill-advised move on behalf of the producers of the show, the results, nonetheless, were incredible, as the band refused to pretend that they were actually playing their instruments and essentially made a mockery of the whole thing. Highlights include Cobain's flipper hands and amazing Morrisey impersonation, and Dave Grohl's hilarious dance moves.


Tuesday, August 12, 2008

you have been Barack rolled.

I have already written on this blog about how I find the whole concept of Rick Rolling pretty obnoxious - but that was before I discovered the glory that is the Barack Roll. Behold.


As some of you may know, I am currently in jolly old England with my band. I'm having a pretty awesome time so far, I'm staying at a bed and breakfast in the middle of the countryside and eating proper English breakfasts everyday (which include an English "delicacy" of fried bread which, you should avoid at all costs if you are ever here. I ate a few pieces yesterday and I thought my heart was going to explode.) All in all, its been an extremely British experience thus far. I am having to bite my tongue to stop myself from speaking in an English accent at all times, which I'm sure is just totally offensive to anyone who is actually from around here. Anyways, my point is that since I'm kind of busy here, I'm not really going to be able to keep up any kind of regular blogging frequency. I know you are all pretty upset about this, but it doesn't phase me; while you are stuck in Canada (or elsewhere,) waiting for my next blog post with baited breath, I'll be enjoying the bright lights of the British countryside nightlife with hot babes like this:

Fuck Canada!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Diamond Dave

David Lee Roth is one of my favourite rock frontmen, and pretty much personifies every excessive rock and roll stereotype that you can imagine. He's definitely not the greatest singer, but he more than makes up for it just by being such an amazing showman. He's also widely regarded as being one of the best ever in terms of onstage banter, which I know from experience is an extremely hard talent to master. Now I'm sure posting the video for Jump probably doesn't buy me any, 'cool, indie, scene guy' points, but hey, if you don't know already that I am pretty much as far from a cool, hip guy as is humanly possible, you were going to find out soon enough anyways. Besides, the video is amazing, and who doesn't love Jump?? Anyone that says they don't like that song is lying through their fucking teeth.

hairless cats...weird.

So I am a little depressed recently because one of my friends who is moving into my apartment is extremely allergic to cats, so its looking like I'm going to have to give up my cat, Gord. Which is really unfortunate because I happen to be very fond of that fat fucking retard. Trying to come up with a solution to this shitty situation got me thinking about hairless cats, and how if I had one, it wouldn't be a problem. So I searched some images of hairless cats, and now I think I officially do want one someday. I mean, look at these disgusting monstrosities:

I happen to be of the opinion that the uglier a pet is, the more adorable it is, so these hairless cats are pretty much the pinnacle of cuteness, because as you can see, they are absolutely hideous and weird looking. They look like slugs with four legs and a tail. Fantastic. I think I'm going to get one someday.