a new day begins.

It has certainly been a bit of a strange feeling to wake up today, just as the world finally somersaults the last few inches into a new era of peace, prosperity and happiness. War. Famine. Slavery. The global financial crisis. These things no longer concern us. Because finally, the celebrities have come to save us all.

MySpace Celebrity and Katalyst present The Presidential Pledge


Listen, if you are a celebrity and are thinking about enlightening the world on how to be a good and decent person and are considering starring in one of these videos, I have some advice for you: if you want to go ahead and be a responsible citizen by being fiscally responsible, or environmentally conscious, or even politically active, then just do it, good for you. But please, please stop this sanctimonious preaching, it does nothing but expose you as the the shameless, self-aggrandizing egomaniac that you are. Thank you.

Sarah Palin, turkey killer.

God bless Sarah Palin. As you might know, I had been having a hard time accepting the fact that she was no longer going to be in the public eye to the extent to which I had become accustomed, but this damn lady just will not go away, and is now making TV appearances that are approaching David Lynch levels of surreal weirdness. And I am loving every minute of it (except those minutes that involve violent, graphic, animal death.)

If you haven't seen this already, Palin appeared at a turkey farm in Alaska to perform the annual ritual of pardoning a turkey before thanksgiving, saving it from the merciless slaughter that unfortunately befalls the vast majority of its brethren around this time of year. Then once the pardoning ceremony had been completed, she proceeded to give a television interview while behind her, someone continued to slaughter turkeys in full view of the camera. If you can stomach it, then check it out:



THINGS I ENJOY ABOUT THIS VIDEO

-The turkey killer in the background who seems aware of the fact that he should not be doing what he is doing, and seems to be waiting for someone to tell him to stop. When no one does, he decides the best course of action is to continue massacring the turkeys while the one of the most famous women on the planet blathers on ten feet away from him without a care in the world.

-When Palin jokingly says that she "certainly will probably invite criticism for even doing this too, but at least this was fun," as a turkey in the background struggles against the guy cutting its fucking head off.

I mean, at this point, this has to be on purpose right? This is clearly some Machiavellian plot to remain in the public consciousness until she makes her White House run in 2012 right? She can't actually be this dumb, can she?

Hello??

diet Dr Palin.

I have a bit of a confession to make. Although I am incredibly relieved over the results of the US presidential election, I am a little bit sad that the days of Sarah Palin being one of the most visible public figures in the known universe have, at least for now, come to an end. As even though I strongly disagree with the majority of her political beliefs, and think she was ridiculously unqualified to potentially become the second-in-command of America - I am incredibly attracted to her. I tuned into the Vice Presidential debates wanting to see her get demolished by Joe Biden and finally reveal herself to the American public as a know-nothing, inexperienced, living political ploy. Instead I was enraptured by her folksy colloquialisms and every day American charm. I felt like every one of her cheeky winks was directed only at me. Luckily, like Indiana Jones snapping out of his murderous trance after being force fed the blood of Kali by the evil Thugee cult in Temple of Doom, I was able shake off the hypnosis resulting from Palin's idiotic siren song before I moved to Arkansas and became a registered Republican. I was worried for a few weeks that the majority of American voters were going to fall under her spell, and that we were only a few years out from the phrase "don't 'cha know" being used for the first time ever in a Presidential state of the union address, but fortunately I was proved wrong and Palin has since gone back to being the governor of a state that no one really cares about.

But I'm seriously digressing here. My original point was that despite our differing political views, I still have a schoolboy crush on Palin. So I was delighted when after being confronted about the alleged fact that she spent over $100, 000 of RNC money at high end clothing stores purchasing new wardrobes for her and her family before she was unveiled to the public, she responded by insisting that she "never asked for anything more than a diet Dr Pepper once in a while." Whoa, wait a second. Sarah Palin drinks diet Dr Pepper, the most delicious soft drink ever invented? Be still my heart! Even if Palin would make a terrible Vice President (or regular President for that matter,) at least we can all come together in a bipartisan way in appreciation of diet Dr Pepper's cool, refreshing taste and total lack of calories (though its probably worth pointing out that since Palin gave birth only 7 months ago she really has no business enjoying delicious chemical-filled diet soda of any kind.)

Anways, Palin's unquestionably terrible parenting skills aside, I think I know the perfect way that she can remain in the public eye before her inevitable return to the spotlight in four years:



Next up in terms of beautiful conservatives who I don't agree with but would still love to take to the movies: Meghan McCain.

yes we did.

palin-drones.

I've been trying as hard as humanly possible not to continually comment on the absolute insanity that is the US presidential election, but this video was far too good to pass up. I'm not going to rant or say anything snarky about this, as its really not even funny, its actually quite terrifying. I think the United States should just split into two countries and be done with it.



via Shabooty

It's really hard to imagine that 6 weeks ago, barely anyone had any idea who Sarah Palin is, and now she is one of the most famous human beings on the planet. Anything featuring her is going viral almost instantly, for example the above clip was uploaded 4 days ago and has now been viewed 1.2 million times. Or this hilarious clip of Palin getting viciously booed at a Philadelphia Flyers game which has had almost 1 million views in two days. It's objectively fascisnating, but if she wins on November 4th, I'm taking the first space elevator off this damn planet.

listen to me, I'm a celebrity.

Hello. I am an apathetic 18-24 year old who has never participated in the democratic process. All I want to do is smoke marijuana and watch MTV all day. I know nothing about any world issues outside of what I read in US magazine. Oh, look. Here comes a group of random celebrities. I wonder if they have anything to say about my empty, meaningless lifestyle?



Thank you celebrities. Without your condescending, arrogant words of advice, I would never have known that I can participate in the selection of a new leader for my country. Hooray.

Sigh.

Seriously though, I am having a hard time deciding whether to get angry about this, or concede that there are actually some people out there that will be encouraged to vote by this video. But at the same time, if a person has to be told by Jennifer Aniston to vote, should this person even be allowed to vote in the first place? Think about it.

I still did enjoy Sarah Silverman and Jonah Hill, though I would much rather listen to Craig Ferguson's thoughts on the subject.

MATT DAMON.

Let me go on record as saying that I find it extremely annoying when self-righteous celebrities with massive egos go on about their political opinions, as if they believe that somehow they are more enlightened about world issues because they make a living by reading words off a page and playing make believe all day, or because they are capable of singing songs and/or playing an instrument.

Case in point: Madonna recently stirred up controversy when she showed photos during one of her concerts that compared John McCain to Hitler. Now, I happen to be a huge fan of Madonna's music but I can't even fully comprehend the stupidity of this. It is clear that she will do or say just about anything in order to generate media attention or pretend that she is still somehow culturally relevant, even if it is with completely ignorant and uninformed ideas like that.



Listen, I would prefer that John McCain didn't win the upcoming US presidential election. Yes, the United States have some serious problems. Yes, George W. Bush has spent the last 8 years going full retard. But neither McCain nor George Bush are Hitler, and the United States isn't Nazi Germany, and anyone who will rationally attempt to make that argument really needs to relax a little bit. That type of insane rhetoric doesn't really further political discussion in any meaningful way, it's just a vague way of saying "this person = bad" and it ultimately does more harm than good.

It's this sort of ridiculous behaviour that feeds into the notion of the out-of-touch, celebrity based cult of Obama that doesn't know or understand anything about the problems faced by real, not ridiculously wealthy, decidedly unfamous regular people. Personally, if I want to form a political opinion, I will try my best to read about the issues being discussed, I'll find out as much as I can about a candidate, I will watch speeches and debates and try to formulate a logical opinion on my own. I don't need Madonna to break things down for me in terms that are so black and white it's completely insulting, I really could not care less who Scarlett Johansson's heart belongs to, and I wouldn't listen to advice from Will.I.Am or Puff Daddy about something completely inane like interior decorating, let alone complex sociopolitical issues.

Before I go on, let me fully acknowledge that this rant is intensely hypocritical, but I assure you: I am aware that I am an out-of-touch, lazy musician and that my political opinions are just as worthless as anyone I am complaining about here. Maybe even more so, seeing as I am also Canadian and can't even vote in the upcoming US election. But at least I am upfront about the fact that my opinion means absolutely nothing; to be honest, I am absolutely enthralled by this election, but this is why I have limited my political writings to discussing fist bumps or talking about how hot Michelle Obama is. Also, I am not a celebrity, so it's different.

Anyways, this culture of self-important egomaniacs trying to enlighten the world by sharing their political beliefs was brilliantly parodied in Team America: World Police, and it's ironic to me that Team America's infamous MATT DAMON has come out with one of my favourite political soundbites so far. As I've said before, I thought McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate was a shamelessly transparent political move, and I have some serious concerns about the fact that this lady could potentially become the leader of the free world, but I haven't heard that opinion echoed on too many mainstream media outlets (although this also could be because I don't have cable.) So in spite of my intense dislike of famous actors and musicians talking about their political opinions, I definitely enjoyed Damon's analysis of Sarah Palin and the state of the Presidential race, he really sums up the ridiculousness of the whole situation with a refreshing frankness:



It's like that scene in Good Will Hunting when he eviscerates that snobby Harvard student in the campus bar! MATT DAMON indeed. What an epic burn. What do you have to say to that Sarah??



Yeah, that's actually quite scary. I'll be going now.

officially worried.

I can't imagine that its a pure coincidence that only a few days after I officially endorsed Michelle Obama over Cindy McCain in the politically volatile "who is the hotter potential first lady" race, effectively dooming McCain in the upcoming election, he then picked this lady as his running mate:



John McCain, you are a sly old dog.

Seriously though, to me this seems like a pretty shamelessly transparent political move on McCain's part to both regain his image as a maverick, political revolutionary, distract voters from the issues that actually matter to the country, and win some of the votes of disenfranchised Hillary Clinton supporters...which makes total sense because after all, Sarah Palin is, like Hillary, a woman. Anyways, I want to think that most reasonable people would see through this political bullshit, but then after her speech at the RNC, where she won over America by reading a speech that was written and prepared for her by a Bush speechwriter, I am officially nervous about the upcoming US election. I need some words of encouragement from Barack:



Yeah...that'll do nicely.

Action and Retraction: Cindy McCain not hot

So a few months ago when I was expressing my love of the now-famous "Obama fist bump," I mentioned that I found Cindy McCain fairly attractive. In fact, as embarrassed as I am about this, I think my exact words were that she is "pretty hot," and that in terms of the relative hotness of her and Michelle Obama, either one becoming America's next first lady was basically a win-win situation. I would officially like to retract that statement. I think I was fooled by the fact that I had only ever seen Cindy from a long distance or with the same sort of soft lighting that was used in old Liz Taylor perfume commercials. Also, standing next to John McCain, who I think is about 9,000 years old, pretty much anyone will look like a 22-year-old Swedish model in comparison. Anyways, I now realize that she actually looks like this:



She looks like a witch that could suck out children's souls just by looking at them in some kind of young adult fantasy novel. Sorry gang.

The reason I felt compelled to retract this statement is mostly due to the fact that, after seeing Michelle Obama's speech at the Democratic National Convention, I am pretty much totally in love with her, and have realized that there is really no comparison between the two either in hotness levels or just overall personality. I mean, just look at her, she is a total babe:



Now, you may be asking yourself, "what does comparing the relative attractiveness of the two potential first ladies actually add to the political process?" You might also be saying to yourself, "you are a fucking idiot for even writing about this." To that I respond, "nothing at all," and "you can go straight to hell." There are people much more educated and in the know than I, (and many who are less educated and much less in the know,) who are spewing out their opinions on the upcoming US election and will continue to do so with an increasingly alarming frequency in the coming months, and I feel no need to clutter up the internet by contributing anything insightful to the conversation. Besides, if I can't use my blog to make ridiculous statements like "Cindy McCain looks like a soul-sucking witch," then goddamnit, what am I even doing this for??

One last thing though, regarding the Obama fist bump. What was with that outcry afterwards of dumbass Fox news political analysts wondering if it was actually a "terrorist fist jab?" People, if that is what the fist bump has become, then the terrorists truly have won.

you have been Barack rolled.

I have already written on this blog about how I find the whole concept of Rick Rolling pretty obnoxious - but that was before I discovered the glory that is the Barack Roll. Behold.

yes we can.

I really hope Barack Obama becomes the next president of the United States. For one, he seems to want to rise above all the bullshit insanity that surrounds American politics and actually govern the country based on what its citizens want, and is not just trying to appease a small percentage of really rich people, or a bunch of corporate lobbyists that have paid for his presidency. But all that is beside the point, the main reason I want Barack to win the election is because I want the leader of the free world to be a dude who fist bumps his wife when he finds out some good news.



Another positive is that Michelle Obama will be the hottest first lady of my lifetime, although McCain's wife is pretty hot too so there is pretty much a win-win situation there. Although its not really win-win at all because McCain is a crazy old bastard.